Frequently asked questions

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Frequently asked questions

This page details frequently asked questions (FAQ) and their corresponding frequently-given responses.

If the information found on this page doesn't answer your question, feel free to call us or send us e-mail.


Contents

Pregnancy

Can I get pregnant if ________?

Q: I did ________. Could I be pregnant?

A: A pregnancy cannot occur unless sperm meets egg, so a woman cannot become pregnant from kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, or sharing a hot tub. It is possible for a woman to become pregnant if the man pulls out of her vagina before he comes, but it is much less likely than if he comes inside of her. Also, remember that sperm die quickly when exposed to the air, so they do not live long after being ejaculated unless they are inside a vagina. It is almost impossible for a woman to become pregnant from a man ejaculating on her clothing or near her underwater. Most accidental pregnancies happen when someone does not use birth control, forgets to use it or uses it incorrectly, or when the man intends to pull out but doesn't quite make it.

For more information...

The following books may be useful:

What days of the month can she get pregnant?

Q: When is a woman or girl fertile? In other words, what days of the month can she get pregnant?

A: There are days a woman can get pregnant and days when she can't. Figuring out those days is the tricky part. One of the most common ways people try to figure out "safe" and "fertile" days is called the rhythm method. Because of the guesswork involved rhythm is not an effective method of birth control.

The first day of your period is called Day 1. You then count all the days till you get your period again. The total number of those days is the length of your menstrual cycle. Fourteen days after you ovulate (when an egg is ready to meet the sperm) you get your period. That means if you ovulate on Day 20, your cycle will be 34 days total (20 + 14). Or, if you ovulate on Day 8, you're cycle will be 22 days long.

You could assume that because your cycles are usually 28 days that you ovulate on Day 14 (28 minus 14) of your period. But how do you know you are going to ovulate on day 14 of this cycle? The truth is, you don't. Your next cycle may only be 18 days. This means you are going to ovulate on Day 4 (18 minus 14). Because sperm live for about five days, and are viable (strong enough to possibly make you pregnant) for about three days, this means that if you have sex on your period you could get pregnant. Or your cycle may be 35 days this time. This means on Day 21, when you think the egg is no longer going to be around, it's actually ripe and ready to get fertilized and make you pregnant!

The Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) is the best way to know when you are ovulating and when you aren't. The Fertility Awareness Handbook is a great place to start learning how to use this method. It may be a little confusing to understand right away, which is why Planned Parenthood teaches classes on FAM. It takes a big commitment and being (or becoming) very comfortable with your body. It involves taking your temperature every morning before you get up, checking your cervical mucus twice a day, and keeping track of these findings on a chart. If this sounds like something you would like to do (it's a great way to find out more about your body) contact your local Planned Parenthood for a FAM class.

Otherwise, stick with using birth control every time you have intercourse. Unless, of course, you want to have a baby!

For more information:

  • Fertility Awareness Handbook by Barbara Kass-Annese [Buy]
    A book describing the Fertility Awareness Method of determining whether or not you are fertile, so that you can either avoid, or increase your chances of getting pregnant.

Biology

What is the Clitoris?

Q: What is the clitoris, and what's it for?

A: The clitoris is a part of a woman's genitals that for many women is the most sexually sensitive part of her body. See a nice diagram of a woman's genital area.

When we were developing in our mother's womb, our bodies weren't well differentiated by male and female characteristics. Certain genital flesh for males become a penis and the same flesh for females becomes a clitoris, also known as a clit. There are an incredible number of nerve endings per square inch in the clitoris, and it usually becomes an important part of female sexual response.

Research in the last few years has shown that the sensitive clitoral tissue is not just the flesh that is externally visible. In fact, that flesh is like the tip of an iceberg: most of the total volume is under the surface. The clitoral tissue and associated nerve endings extend in a larger area, such that some G-spot stimulation and anal stimulation for women may be in part because of the complexities of nerve endings associated with clitoral tissue.

Since the majority of women are unable to achieve orgasm solely with vaginal stimulation (for instance, in penis-vagina intercourse), understanding the clitoris is often the key to orgasm and sexual satisfaction in women of all sexual orientations.

Every woman likes different types of clitoral stimulation, and the only way to determine what you or your female partner enjoys is to experiment. If your partner is female, ask her what she enjoys. However, she might not know yet, so this is a great opportunity to experiment.

Some women like direct stimulation: touching the clitoris with your finger, tongue, or a vibrator. Some women only like indirect stimulation: touching the area around the clitoris or touching the clitoris covered by the clitoral hood, a small bit of flesh comparable to a man's penis foreskin.

Some women like a light touch. Some women like a firmer touch. Some women like slow clitoral stimulation. Some women like very fast clitoral stimulation in the form of fast tongue licks or the fast vibrations of a vibrator. Some women like additional vaginal stimulation, but others find it irritating and prefer focusing on the clitoris. Some like to start slow and increase speed when approaching orgasm. There are infinite variations that women enjoy, so try lots of techniques.

If you are playing with your partner's clitoris, ask her what she likes and be prepared to listen to what she says. It's a very sensitive area, so if she says that she needs you to press less firmly or go slower, do what she says and make her very happy ... or else it may cause pain. In time, with experimentation and communication, you will learn how to make her very very happy.

Men who want to learn about their partner's clitoris often learn a lot from experimenting with oral sex. We provide an article about cunnilingus for your use.

For more information...

  • Female Anatomy : an introduction to women's genital region from Scarleteen
  • Becoming Orgasmic from San Francisco Sex Information
  • Learn about another sensitive part of women's body, the G-spot.
  • Clitical.com - A good web site about female sexuality, including anatomy (with pictures), masturbation, and other sex topics

Does it hurt the first time I have sex?

Q: Does it hurt the first time I have sex?

A: Many women experience some pain or discomfort the first time they have intercourse. Most of the time, this is due to stretching or tearing of the hymen, a thin piece of skin that partially covers the entrance to the vagina in most (but not all) women. If you have a hymen, it might hurt or bleed a little the first time you have intercourse, or it might not. Some women don't experience any pain, and not all women bleed when their hymens break. In fact, some women don’t have hymens at all. Others break their hymens before they have intercourse, often with vigorous exercise, tampon use, accidents, or masturbation.

The other very common cause of pain or discomfort during intercourse is vaginal tightness or too much friction. When a woman becomes sexually aroused, she will usually produce lubrication ("get wet") , but this does not always happen or may not be enough to ensure comfortable intercourse. The first time you have intercourse, make sure you are very aroused and feel ready to go ahead. You may want to use a water-based, glycerin-free lubricant from the drugstore (they are next to the condoms)to reduce friction.

Also, having an orgasm first may make your vagina more relaxed and ready for penetration. If it hurts deep inside your vagina when you have sex, especially if the pain is very intense, there may be something else going on. Painful intercourse, even the first time, can be a sign of infection or some other medical condition. More often, it can be a way for your vagina to say “no” to intercourse by refusing to relax and allow penetration. You may not be ready for intercourse or you may need to learn more about what feels good to you. If you consistently experience pain during intercourse, talk to your doctor.

For More Information...

The following books may be useful:

Is my penis too small?

Q: Is my penis too small? Is there something I can do to enlarge it?

A: The only way to enlarge a penis is with surgery. All other technologies that claim to permanently enlarge your penis–-pills, creams, herbs, special exercises, pumps, and stretching devices--do not work. If you are interested in penis enlargement surgery, talk to your doctor. However, it is important to remember that these surgeries, like any surgery, can be risky and may have complications, and many doctors would not consider you a candidate for surgery unless your penis is extremely small. Possible complications of surgery include lumps, scars, loss of sensation, loss of function, or just plain disappointment. Questions about penis size are common at our switchboard; many men worry that their penises are too small or that they could give their sexual partners more pleasure if their penises were longer or thicker. Although this is occasionally true, there is usually something else going on, often completely unrelated to penis size.

First, let's take a look at some facts about penis size: 90% of erect penises measure 5-7 inches (12-17 cm) in length, and 1-2 inches (2.5-5 cm) in diameter (some experts consider these estimates too large). If you're concerned that your penis is too small, ask yourself, "Too small for what?" Many people prefer different penis sizes for different activities. Some people say they like large ones for oral sex, medium ones for vaginal sex, and small ones for anal sex. Some people like the sensation of fullness that a larger penis can provide but are content to get this sensation some other way. And, for some people, penis size doesn’t matter at all. In surveys about what women and men want in a lover, most people are looking for qualities like connection with their partner, their partner's sensitivity to their body, and their partner’s ability to respond to their individual needs. In other words, if you want to please your partner, take time to learn about your partner's body and what she or he wants. For men who have sex with women, remember that most women do not have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone. Many women need additional clitoral stimulation during intercourse--or oral sex, fingers, or vibrators–-in order to come.

Is female ejaculation real?

Q: I've heard of female ejaculation, women releasing lots of liquid at orgasm. Is it real?

A: Yes, it's very real. Not all women do it, however.

Many women who ejaculate only do so with g-spot simulation. This does not mean that all women enjoy g-spot stimulation, or that women who do enjoy this stimulation will always ejaculate. For more information about g-spots and female ejaculation, check out our Frequently Asked Question about the G-Spot.

Female ejaculation is a perfectly natural thing, and there is nothing to be embarrassed about if you or your female partner do this. Some women report increased pleasure and/or release when ejaculating, and some women report no increased pleasure when ejaculating: only moisture. Some women enjoy the extra moisture, and some don't enjoy the extra moisture.

There is much discussion in the medical world about where the fluid comes from exactly. There seems to be some consensus about the fluid called "female ejaculate":

  • It is NOT the same as urine, although it contains some similar components
  • It is created mostly in what are called the Skene's glands.

If the amount of liquid during female ejaculation is too much for you or your partner, you want to consider purchasing "chuck pads", which are super-absorbent pads that you can put on your bed (or wherever). They are available in many pharmacies and drug stores. They were intended originally for incontinence, but many happy women use it to absorb extra moisture from female ejaculation.

What are Intersex conditions?

Q: What are intersex conditions? Are there resources for intersex people and their parents, friends, partners?

A: Intersex conditions are a set of medical conditions that features congenital anomaly of the reproductive and sexual system. In other words, a person with an intersex condition is born with sex chromosomes, external genitalia, or an internal reproductive system that is not considered 'standard' for either male or female.

How common are such things? It's hard to get exact numbers because many doctors perform unrequested surgery to cover up some genital differences, and shame and secrecy do not encourage good record keeping on the subject.

The number of intersex conditions is high and each condition has different statistics. For instance, babies born with chromosomes that are neither XX nor XY is about one in 1,666 births. The total number of people whose bodies differ from standard male or female one in 100 births. The total number of people receiving surgery to "normalize" genital appearance one or two in 1,000 births. For some more detailed statistics, I refer you to the Intersex Society of of North America's frequency page.

For more information...

  • Intersex Society of North America
    ISNA is devoted to systemic change to end shame, secrecy, and unwanted genital surgeries for people born with an anatomy that someone decided is not standard for male or female. They urge physicians to use a model of care that is patient-centered, rather than concealment-centered.
  • Bodies Like Ours
    Online forum providing information and peer support for people with atypical genitalia.
  • Transgender SF
    Group for transgender persons, cross-dressers, transsexuals, and their partners. Has referrals database of trans-friendly providers. Although many people in the intersex community believe that transgender is an entirely separate category from intersex, TGSF provides community, support, and education for transgender persons and their partners, and explicitly include intersexed people in their organization. Monthly meetings last Thursday of month in San Francisco, CA, and occasional educational programs on Wednesday evenings.

What is prostate stimulation (the 'male G-spot')?

Q: What is the prostate gland, and what's it for?

A: Men have sensitive internal tissue called the prostate gland, which is often compared to the female G-spot. Many men really enjoy stimulation of it, which can be stimulated most directly through the anus. Even lots of straight men enjoy it.

Although some people call the prostate the "male G-spot", that isn't a good name because the prostate is not even in the same place as a woman's G-spot. The function of this gland is to produce a fluid that helps produce semen, and to close the urine duct to allow for safe passage of sperm. It also serves as a source of pleasure for many men. The prostate can be found a few inches inside the opening of the anus, and can be stimulated through the rectal wall. When the prostate is stimulated, some men orgasm whether or not they have an erection.

Assuming for now that the man is on his back, slip a finger or two into the anus facing upward (fingernails down). Then curl your fingers (what some people describe as the "come hither" motion). Most men claim they like it stroked or massaged.

When you stimulate the prostate by hand, be sure your nails are trimmed. The anus is a sensitive body cavern that can tear and scrape easily. It's not as durable for penetration as the vagina. You may want to snap a latex glove on your hand, found in many drug stores or sex shops, which will make rear entry a smoother process. There are also finger cots you can purchase that serve the same purpose. In addition, don't forget the lube. The anus doesn't naturally secrete slippery, sexual fluids conducive to easy gliding. You can buy commercial "personal lubricant" in most pharmacies. If you are using latex gloves or condoms for STD protection, remember to never use oil or petroleum lubricants like Vaseline or massage oil as they destroy latex.

Fingers aren't the only anal pleasure enhancers. The receiving male can try butt plugs, vibrators, dildos or, of course, 100% nature-made penises if that turns you on. Use your imagination on which toys you can buy, adapt, or make. If you use any toys, make sure it has a flange. A flange is a base that prevents the anus from devouring your toy, making it hard to expunge without medical services. The anus is a powerful internal mechanism that can work as a mighty suction device. Trust us. So, if you don't want to go to the hospital emergency room, don't use sex toys without flanges ... and don't use household objects without flanges either.

Another thing to remember about prostrate stimulation is that not all men like it like that. Some find it irritating and painful. Some men really enjoy light pressure, others prefer it hard. Some like constant pressure, some like a fast "pulsing" motion. Some men love the sensation, but only like it once they are already very aroused. The best way to ensure your male sex partner enjoys himself is communication. Ask him how it feels. Or tell him to grunt three times. Find whatever works for each of you, and do it.

Many men call our phone switchboard worried that enjoying anal play or prostate stimulation might imply they are gay or somehow make them gay. That's not true. Although it's a taboo subject for many people, many straight men enjoy pleasure from this rarely-discussed sex organ they were born with, and enjoy it both with their partners and during masturbation.

It's your body: enjoy it!

For more information...

  • Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women by Jack Morin [Buy]
    An excellent book that helps men and women of all orientations appreciate anal pleasure. Topics include getting used to your own body, anal intercourse, rimming, and health and safety issues.
  • Bend Over Boyfriend
    Educational video about anal pleasure for men, in the context of a heterosexual relationship.
  • Anal sex tips from San Francisco Sex Information

Any tips for shaving, waxing, and other ways to remove pubic hair?

Q: Do you have suggestions for removing pubic hair by shaving, waxing, or otherwise?

A: Sure! First, we'd like to say there's nothing freaky or abnormal about having pubic hair, and there is nothing freaky or abnormal about removing this hair. There is no "right" way to have your pubic hair. Everyone feels differently about this issue. Shaving is a preference. Whether you choose to shave or not, it's all good.

Some people who remove their pubic hair do it for their own pleasure or fun, some people do it for their partner's pleasure or fun, and some do it for both reasons. Some people remove a small amount of hair because of a new small bathing suit, and some people remove 100% of their pubic hair.

People shave legs, trim pit hair, pluck eyebrows and likewise many love to shave their pubes. Think of the genitals as another body part you have the choice to pamper. There are several ways to remove public hair: the most common is shaving, but you can also use wax or chemical depilatories.

For all of these methods, it's important to know that everyone can have skin or hair reactions that don't feel good. That's why it's important to test an area (a "test patch") and wait a few days to see how it works for you. See "Possible Drawbacks" below for more info.

Waxing

You can also get pubic hair waxed professionally, which involves adding strips of hot wax on some cloth. When it hardens, the cloth with the wax and your hair is ripped off quickly. You can also buy kits at pharmacies -- although you might need a friend to help you with it. If you wax regularly, the hair does not come in as quickly, nor as thick, so if you try this you might want to try it a few times (separated by a few weeks) to get the best effect.

Shaving

If you decide you want to do a little pubic shaving, whether you're a male or female, grab a fresh razor and pay close attention to the following steps to avoid in-grown hairs and infections, which can appear as itchy or painful bumps.

Trim It. To make this process easier, trim the genital area before applying the razor! You'll save blades this way. Electric razors, clippers (with safety guards) or scissors work well. To get a closer cut and avoid unwanted nicks, pull the hair up then trim away. If the art of pubic shaving is new, you may want to let the hair short for a couple of days. This allows the genitals to become comfortable the transition you are about to make.

Soak it. Soak the pubic area in warm to hot water, or lay a warm cloth over the area for about 10 minutes. This softens coarse pubic hair and makes it easier to shave and style.

Lather it. Never dry shave your pubic area! If you do pain and irritation will most likely follow. Use shaving cream or gel to lather the pubic area. A thin layer of petroleum jelly will foster a closer shave. Soap doesn't make the best lather for pubic shaving. (Note that some people may have allergic reactions to certain lathering products.)

Shave it. Now your pubic area is ready to meet the razor. There are many different ways to style this area. Think about it before you start and be as creative as you desire. It is recommended to shave the same way the hair grows. However to get a closer shave you may want to also shave in the opposite direction. Some state this causes red bumps and ingrown hairs, but everyone is different. If you feel comfortable, try it. In addition, don't constantly stroke the same area during the shave, this may irritate the skin. Two to three short strokes are ideal. Lastly, stretch the skin to reach the difficult hairy spots.

First-Timers: The pubic area is sensitive and may take time to adjust to the razor. Four to six is common. In addition, slowly acquaint the genitals with shaving. Once a week is plenty for your first month. Don't worry about a smooth shave the first month.

Exfoliate (remove dead skin) One thing that people forget that is very important is to clean your skin after shaving. The best way is with a "loofa sponge" and your normal body soap. Due to sensitivity of this area, rub lightly with the sponge to prevent skin irritation. This will help remove anything that might clog the pores.

Moisturize it. After the shave is completed rinse, dry and moisturize the freshly shaven pubic area. Baby oil and aloe Vera are two suggestions. It's best to avoid moisturizers that contain fragrances and colors, since this may cause irritation. In addition, you may want to powder the area afterwards for comfort. Don't use products that include talcum, it causes irritation.

Upkeep It. Wash shaven genitals on a daily basis. This helps remove unwanted oils and sweat. In addition, you may wish to moisturize and powder the area daily to avoid irritation. If you keep the hair short, you'll avoid stubbles, which causes itching. Try to wear cotton underwear and to stay away from tight fitting cloths pants. The lack of air circulation and friction of tight cloths may lead to in-grown hairs.

There are a few products that that seem preferred by our callers and colleagues to reduce irritation and in-grown hairs. Your experience may be different. They recommend the Gillete Mach 3 razor, Edge Shaving Gel for Sensitive Skin (with the orange top), and Lubriderm moisturizing cream.

Chemical Depilatories

Chemical depilatories "melt" the hair off using foul-smelling chemicals. If you buy waxing kits or chemical depilitories, it's very important you buy one that it is advertised as safe for pubic regions. Even if it says it's safe for pubic reasons, some people believe these chemicals are dangerous to get too close to your genitals, so they might be safer for "bikini waxes" that don't get too close to your genitals. Read the boxes carefully and use your judgement on these products. Remember to do a "test patch" to see how your body deals with these chemicals and wait a few days to see if there are any side effects.

Electrolysis and Laser Hair Removal

Electrolysis uses electricity on your hair follicles to remove hair permanently (or at least a very long time). Laser hair removal uses laser light to do the same thing. There are commercial salons that can do these services.

Both are very effective, relatively painless, much less likely to have in-grown hairs. The downside is that both processes are fairly expensive.

Downsides of removing pubic hair

For some people, pubic hair is always easy and fun. However, for many other people it presents problems. When the genital hair begins to grow back, itching often occurs. Red bumps and ingrown hair may appear. To relieve the irritation, you can apply cortisone cream to reduce inflamation, but use with caution as too much cortisone causes irritation and ingrown hairs in some people! If any side effects cause you stress or don't go away, see a doctor immediately.

Some people have allergic reactions to certain shaving products, soaps, moisturizers and powders. As a solution, try hypoallergenic creams, moisturizers, or soaps. If this fails, don't shave or trim your hair.

Some women have noted genital sensitivity during menstruation. If shaving becomes uncomfortable for women during their periods, they should time pubic shaving around their menstruation cycle.

And if one type of hair removal gives you trouble, you might consider trying a different type or hair removal. For instance, shaving might irritate your skin, but waxing might not cause as much irritation or in-grown hairs.

Keep in mind that your pubic area is not the only body part than can experience red bumps, ingrown hairs, allergic reactions to products and razor burn when shaved. In other words, be aware of the warnings but don't let them scare you off.

If you want to trim or remove your hair and feel comfortable with the idea, try it!

Are curved or bent penises a problem?

Q: My penis has started to curve to one side (or curved upwards or downwards). Is it a problem?

A: It's not usually a problem. Men's bodies, including their penises, go through physical changes as they grow. Some penises are straight, some point up, some point down, some curve to the left, some curve to the left. Some grow bigger, some don't. The size of a fellow's penis is probably genetically determined, in other words it depends on his grandfather's body and his grandfather before him. It is quite customary for guys to look at their naked bodies in the mirror, and when they see something that looks "different" from other fellows, they become alarmed. Again: some bending up/down/left/right is common.

If you are over twenty years old, it is possible that you could have a physical condition known as "Peyronie's Disease" where a penis changes its direction because of a formation of what is called "plaque" beneath the skin. In advanced cases, it causes pain and difficulty with vaginal intercourse (and also being the penetrating partner in anal intercourse). See a doctor if you think you may have this.

If you are under twenty years old and you have noticed a change, start keeping a weekly "log" or diary. Note its behavior, and if it continues to change its shape then you should ask your parents (or school authorities) to have you visit a qualified urologist. He (or she) will have the appropriate advice for you.

No matter what age you are, if there is any pain or discomfort, see a urologist soon.

It's worth repeating that for most people who ask this question, what is happening is just the normal growth of the individual penis.

For more information...

Can I tighten my vaginal muscles with Kegel exercises?

Q: Is there any way of 'tightening' vaginal muscles? If so, are there any side effects?

A: Yes, there is a way, and all the side effects are positive. You can strengthen vaginal muscles (your "PC muscles") with simple exercises called Kegels that you can do at home, at work, in the car, or anywhere else.

To learn what muscles to tense and contract, many women find it helpful to experiment when they are peeing. When urinating, try to stop the flow of urine for a few seconds, and then release those muscles and let the urine flow again. Try that several times.

Now that you know which muscles to tense and relax, you can do those exercises several times a day wherever you are at home or even at work at your desk. It's best not to do these exercises regularly while peeing, as in the long term it would not be good for your bladder. However, the peeing trick mentioned above is a safe and effective way of discovering which muscles to target.

What are the effects of doing Kegel exercises (also known as "Kegels") several times a day on an ongoing basis?

  • Increased strength in vaginal muscles.
  • Better bladder control, especially important with older women.
  • A "tighter fit" during vaginal penetration, which tends to be preferred for male partners during intercourse.
  • More frequent and more intense orgasms.

You can do these exercises successfully on your own with no extra devices needed. For those who want to maximize muscle strength and control, you may find that inserting something to "squeeze" can help. For instance, you could use fingers or even a dildo if you wish.

Additionally, there are special optional products available that claim to be even better for targeting the important muscles: here is one option called the Kegelcisor.

For more information...

  • Good Vibrations Guide To Sex by Cathy Winks, Anne Semans, published by Cleis Press [Buy]
    A wonderful guide to sex for people of all ages and interests. An excellent introduction to lots of subjects about sex for men and women. Brought to you by the people who run the excellent store Good Vibrations. Discusses physical as well as behavioral aspects of sex.

What is the G-spot?

Q: What is the G-spot, and where is it?

A: The G-spot is a small area of spongy tissue reached through the upper wall of a woman's vagina. Many women report that this area is more sensitive to stimulation than other parts of the vagina. To find the G-spot, put your finger or fingers in the vagina and, with your fingers curving upwards (toward her belly) , make a "come here" motion, stroking the upper wall of her vagina with a firm, upward pressure. You may or may not feel anything you can identify as a G-spot - - rely on your partner's feedback to find your way - - and she is more likely to find the stimulation pleasurable if she is already aroused. Some women have orgasms and/or ejaculate from G-spot stimulation, but not all women ejaculate and not all women find G-spot stimulation pleasurable. In fact, some women find G-spot stimulation irritating. If you are stimulating your partner’s G-spot, encourage her to communicate about how it feels and what type of stimulation is most pleasurable for her.

For more information...

Good books that discuss the G-spot and G-spot play are:

Several resources on female ejaculation are also available:

The above books and videos are available from Good Vibrations, as well as many other sources.

Erections

Why can't I get an erection with my partner?

Q: I get erections when masturbating and usually with a partner, but when I'm about to have sex with a new partner, I don't get a full erection. What can I do to change this pattern?

A: Well, at least you know what is causing the problem! It sounds like you have a good understanding about what is happening for you. This is common -- getting used to a new partner sexually can take a while. New situations and new sensations can create anxiety.

It's also common not to have a full erection sometimes. This is true for every man sometimes. It's especially common in a situation that is new, exciting and therefore stressful, like being with a new partner that you really like.

First some simple things that might help next time:

  • Try slow deep breathing, and bring some of your attention to your breathing. That can help send a message to your body and your brain to relax. Relaxing and thinking about relaxed breathing can reduce anxiety, and bring your attention away from anxiety-producing issues.
  • Take your time with your new partners. If becoming sexually comfortable with your new partner takes time, try being naked and touching each other for a longer time. Maybe a few hours, or maybe an entire evening or two before trying intercourse. For instance, you could spend more time on using your hands and mouths on each other and appreciating other parts of your bodies. Not only will that be fun, it can give you confidence... and more time to get comfortable with your new partner in bed.

If you have a specific fear in bed, it may help to talk with a therapist about it. A therapist may be able to teach you some relaxation techniques that will work for you, or it could even be that just talking about it will give you all the help you need. Having a fear of erection problems that causes an erection problem is quite common. Most sex therapists will be familiar with your situation and should be able to give you some help.

For more information...

What are erectile dysfunction and impotence?

Q: What is impotence, and is it treatable?

A: It is the inability to achieve or sustain an erection, and is more correctly called "erectile dysfunction".

It is important to understand that most men will have at least a few times when they want an erection, but are unable to get hard. This is entirely normal, and is nothing to worry about. Often, an occasional failure to get hard can be related to stress, fatigue, insufficient stimulation, or intoxication.

Erectile dysfunction can become a problem when it is persistent or frequent.

Some men have situational erection problems. For instance, they can get hard when they are masturbating, but are unable to get an erection when they are with partners. This usually means that the problem is primarily psychological.

"Performance anxiety" is a common problem. If a man is more focused on how well he is performing with a partner than he is on enjoying the sensations of sex, it may be quite difficult to achieve or maintain an erection. This can become a vicious cycle, where the anxiety about whether or not he will become erect becomes so intense that he is unable to become erect, which leads to more anxiety, and so forth.

The way to fix this kind of problem is to relax. The more you relax and enjoy the experience of sex (whether you're hard or not), the more likely you are to be able to get hard.

Other men are unable to become erect in any situation, whether alone or with a partner. This usually suggests that the problem is primarily physical.

Physical causes of erection problems may include reactions to medications (especially blood pressure medications and antidepressant and antipsychotic drugs), diabetes, or other vascular problems. If you are unable to become hard in any situation, you may want to talk to your doctor about treatment options, including medication.

Most men will, in the course of an extended sexual experience, become hard, become soft, and become hard again. This is normal (although you don't see it in porn movies), and is nothing to worry about.

Non-prescription drugs, herbs, and supplements that claim to improve sexual functioning or cure erectile problems are not effective.

Some non-prescription drugs that claim to cure such problems are essentially caffeine (or equivalent) pills. These are effective in waking up men's minds, but are not effective at treating persistent erectile dysfunction.

If you have persistent erectile dysfunction, see a real doctor in person. Doctors that specialize in issues with the penis may be listed as Urologists. These problems are better understood now, and there may be therapy or prescription medication that will help you, possibly including the medication Sildenafil (also known as Viagra®). Your doctor will help you determine what's best for you.

For more information...

Gender Identity

Do you have any resources for cross-dressers?

Q: Do you have any resources for cross-dressers/transvestites?

A: Yes, although the resources best for you will vary depending on what you are want.

For support, information, community resources, see our resources for transgendered persons or call our switchboard for more specific resources.

For retail information (buying clothes, shoes, etc), see our retail and shopping resource area.

Do you have any resources for transgendered people?

Q: Do you have any resources for transgendered people?

A: Yes, although the resources best for you will vary depending on what you want.

First, a definition... Transgender is used as an umbrella term that includes female and male cross dressers, transvestites, drag queens or kings, female or male impersonators, pre-operative, post-operative or non-operative transsexuals, masculine females, feminine males, all persons whose perceived gender or anatomical sex may be incongruent with their gender expression, and all persons exhibiting gender characteristics and identities which are perceived to be androgynous.

Some people include intersexed people in the transgender community: people born with sex chromosomes, external genitalia, or an internal reproductive system that is not considered 'standard' for either male or female. However, intersex is always a biology issue and transgender is usually about gender identity and so is usually considered a separate community these days. See the linked page for more information.

Here are some resources...

  • Transgender SF
    Group for transgender persons, cross-dressers, transsexuals, and their partners. Has referrals database of trans-friendly providers. Although many people in the intersex community believe that transgender is an entirely separate category from intersex, TGSF provides community, support, and education for transgender persons and their partners, and explicitly include intersexed people in their organization. Monthly meetings last Thursday of month in San Francisco, CA, and occasional educational programs on Wednesday evenings.
  • Pacific Center
    Community center for sexual minorities based in Berkeley, CA. Social activities. Drop-in and closed support groups for bi, gay, lesbian, transgender, youth & questioning. AIDS education, testing & counseling.
  • New Leaf
    New Leaf provides counseling and psychotherapy to the transgendered community as well as the gay, lesbian, and bisexual community. Long and short term therapy available, as well as group and couples' services. Social, support and discussion groups for people over 55 years old. Women's & men's substance abuse services; women's & men's HIV services; Mental health services; Gay & lesbian outreach to elders; Clinical training program; Psychiatric services.
  • San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) -- You're on our web site! We are a free information and referral switchboard providing anonymous, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex. If you have a question about sex, we'll either answer it or refer you to someone who can. Our volunteers undergo extensive training in all aspects of human sexuality, from reproduction and birth control to safer sex practices to HIV to issues about sexual and gender identity. We are toll-free in the USA. Learn more about calling us or emailing us.

How To

Any tips on anal sex?

Q: Do you have any tips for anal sex?

A: Yes! Our four guidelines for anal sex are: communication, lubrication, patience, and protection.

Communication: Communication is exceptionally important in anal sex, both before and during. Bebfore-hand, talk to your partner to ensure you're both signed up for the same activity. During sex play, ensure that the person penetrated is in control, and communicating to the penetrating person how things are going: how fast to go, how deep to go, when to ease up, etc.

One way to help the penetrated person feel in control is to choose a position that is easy to control speed and depth of penetration. For instance, the "doggy style" position: on hands and knees, with the penetrating partner kneeling behind. This way, the penetrated partner can move slightly away when necessary and non-verbally guide the depth and speed. Of course, verbal communication is still important!

Lubrication: Unlike the vagina or the mouth, the anus and rectum don't have a built-in source of lubrication. Even worse, the rectum is designed to absorb liquids so you've got to provide your own lube, and lots of it. The rule of thumb is to use as much as you think you need, and then use more. If you're using latex condoms, be sure to use one water-based (like Astroglide, Slippery Stuff, or Elbow Grease Gel) or silicone-based (like Eros's silicone lube), but it's important never to use petroleum-based or oil-based lubricants (like Vaseline or massage oil) as those destroy latex!

Patience: Go slowly, and follow the lead of the person being penetrated. You may want to start with a finger first, to get the anus used to something smaller. If you are going to use a butt plug, don't be afraid to buy a small one and work your way up in size when appropriate. If you use a butt plug, always buy/use one with a "flare" at the bottom so that it cannot escape inside your anus.

If the penetrated person is relatively inexperienced at this, take the pressure off by giving up on goals and concentrating more on enjoying the process. In other words, don't think of how far you want to go with this project ("Oh, boy, it's going to feel good when I'm inside"), but rather, focus on the journey ("Hey, this is fun!") Like so many things worth doing, it may take several tries before you're both happy with it.

Protection: Anal sex is one of the highest-risk activities for transmitting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Other sexually transmitted diseases can be spread through anal sex as well. So, we strongly recommend using latex condoms during anal sex. The penetrating person should also definitely wash his hands and penis afterwards to avoid spreading other diseases like hepatitis.

Important: anal sex should not be painful. If pain occurs, stop immediately. If you are ready again during that sex session to try again, relax, and use extra of patience, lubrication, communication, and don't be afraid to use just fingers (or fewer fingers) until it is comfortable.

Although lubricant is a requirement, we strongly recommend you NOT use any of creams (or any drugs) that dull nerves and mask any pain. These encourage tearing of the skin and other harms to the anus.

For more information...

How do I communicate effectively with my partner?

Q: How can I communicate more effectively with my partner?

A: Many of the questions we get at the switchboard involve communication with one's partner as an underlying component. Communication can be very difficult, even between people who genuinely want to understand each other. But communication is also a skill, and like any skill, it can be improved with practice and knowledge.

In that spirit, here are 13 "keys to effective communication" that one of our switchboard volunteers has developed.

1. Environment and availability. Is this the right time and place to be having this discussion? A crowded theater is probably not the best place to hash out relationship problems. Are both parties available to talk here and now? If one or both partners are sleepy, inebriated, upset, or in the middle of something else, it will be difficult to have a clear and productive exchange. Be sure that you have time enough to talk it out, that you will be relatively free of distractions, and that you are in a safe place to discuss what you need to discuss.

2. Commitment and desire. Do both partners actually want to talk about the issue at hand? Do you both agree on what that issue is? Are both partners ready and willing to have this discussion? If not, one partner is likely to be talking at a partner who is tuned out, rather than with a partner who is engaged.

3. Individual clarity. Before starting a serious discussion, it is important to have some degree of clarity about your own thoughts and feelings. Do you know what your goals for the discussion are, and where your limits might be? Has your partner had any chance to think about the issue at hand, or will this be a surprise to him/her? Does one or both of you need more time to sort out individual positions before working on the interpersonal issue?

4. Hidden agendas. Is there a discrepancy between the overt agenda (i.e., what you agree that you are going to talk about) and any covert agendas (i.e., what you really want to get out of this interchange). Seduction is a common covert agenda: you say you want to talk about a given issue, but you actually want to get into the other person's pants.

5. Body language and nonverbal communication. What you say can be emphasized or undermined by how you say it. If you are shouting about how calm you are, your message is confused and confusing. Think of yourself as an actor with a script: do your tone and carriage match your lines? How about your partner?

6. "I" statements. Rather than talking about your partner's flaws, inadequacies, errors, and ignorance, try to focus on your own feelings, thoughts, and needs. "I feel hurt and lonely when you stay out late" is much less likely to be perceived as an attack than "You're late again; you don't give a damn about our relationship." It is easier for your partner to hear the former than the latter. "You" statements tend to engender defensiveness and arguments, rather than empathic attunement. Beware of the false "I" statement: "I feel that you are wrong."

7. Paraphrasing and active listening. Try to repeat back to your partner what he or she just said to you before responding. This serves two purposes. First, it shows your partner that you are listening carefully to what they are saying; second, it gives your partner an opportunity to clear up any misperceptions or misstatements.

8. Questions. Asking your partner to clear up things you don't understand is central to achieving a positive outcome. This is the opposite of mind reading, where you assume that you know what your partner means without asking. Questions come in two basic flavors: open-ended and closed-ended. Closed-ended questions seek out a specific piece of information (and no more), while open-ended questions invite a partner to give as much information as s/he wants. Closed-ended questions can be used (or perceived) as traps (e.g., "Do you feel angry when I say that?" as opposed to "How do you feel when I say that?"). "Why" questions, however innocent, are often perceived as hostile: try to avoid them if possible.

9. Negotiation. Once you and your partner have clarified your concerns and positions, you are ready to begin negotiating a solution: "Here's the issue, here's what I need, here's what you need, what shall we do about it?"

10. Compromise. Within your limits, where can you meet your partner? Is there any middle ground? If either of you is completely unwilling to compromise or change, your discussion is unlikely to be productive. If both of you have some give and take, and both are willing to bend, your chances of successful resolution are good. Compromise is not the same as caving in: if you are in no position to stand firm, you are in no position to compromise.

11. Consensus. Having discussed the issue, are both parties agreed on the content of the discussion? If changes are to be made, do both parties understand what is to happen, when, and how? Changes that are measurable and verifiable (e.g., "I agree to be home or to call by ten o'clock.") are less likely to cause further conflict than changes that are vague or "fuzzy" (e.g., "I agree to be more supportive.").

12. Closure. When you are done, check to see how you and your partner are feeling. Are there residual hurt feelings that need to be addressed?

13. Follow-up. Agree to check back in after some time has passed to see whether the agreed-upon changes are working, whether any new information has entered the picture, or if anyone has further issues or feelings that need to be talked through. Rather than leave it open, it is best to agree on a specific time to check back in.

For More Information...

The following book deals with communications between partners, though from a mostly male perspective:

How do I perform cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman)?

Q: How do you perform oral sex on a woman?

A: With enthusiasm! Seriously, enthusiasm is one of the most important components here, and I'll list them all one by one.

1. Basic anatomy. If you were to hold your hands together, as if in prayer, you'd have a good model of a woman's genitals. Your thumbs would represent the vaginal opening and, right where the tips of your thumbs are, that's where you'd find the clitoris hidden under the clitoral hood.

2. General Pleasures. Now that you have the basic anatomy (and many women need the anatomy lesson as much as men), here are some general guidelines about what many women like.

While the clitoris is the point of exquisite ecstasy for many women, most don't seem to want you to dive right for it. Teasing is often the most enjoyable option. You may wish to start out gently kissing her inner thighs, and continue your explorations from there slowly toward the center of her sexual universe. Once near the vaginal opening, many women appreciate some licking in similar to French kissing.

Licks should be soft and yet firm at the same time. Any explorations you make in this realm should be gentle, so as not to make your lover recoil, yet firm enough to show your unique personality.

3. Clitoris Attention. Continuing your exploration northward, you will find yourself at the clitoris, and here is where you will find many of the unique preferences in your individual lovers. Some women will now find that direct stimulation of her clitoris is now nirvana. Others will find this too much and prefer indirect stimulation of the clitoris. You can accomplish this by stroking your tongue through the channels on either side of her clitoral hood, applying pressure through the hood and onto the clitoris. Still other women will prefer you to suck on the clitoral hood for stimulation and, as you might imagine, many women prefer a combination of all the above techniques.

4. Communication. Communication is often the beginning and the end of a successfull sexual relationship, and that includes oral sex. Selecting the correct technique is simply a matter of getting feedback from your partner. This can be difficult sometimes because some women don't know what feels good, and some of them find it awkward to talk about. It's always good to use your knowledge of your partner to know when and how to request this feedback.

This feedback can come in various other ways also...

For instance, if you follow the techniques listed above, you may find your lover digging her fingernails into your scalp wantonly and begging for more. This is excellent feedback. In this case, you might choose to wait until after your lovemaking and then at some point ask, "So, what did you like about that?"

Or you may also request feedback as you go along. For instance, you can tease a woman, occasionally slowing (or stopping) and mischievously ask her for what she wants as you're playing. This might be useful for women who are not good at communicating.

If you partner wants to give feedback but has difficulty being verbal during sex, you can beg your partner to make "good happy moaning sex sounds" when she feels something particularly good. That way you can just experiment and then follow where the sounds lead you.

5. Safer Sex. This is often controversial when discussing cunnilingus (eating pussy). It is certainly possible to get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) through unprotected cunnilingus, but it is less dangerous than fellatio (oral sex on a guy). For instance, if you were trying to become HIV positive, and solely used cunnilingus to reach your goal, you'd probably go your whole life without success. But there are other diseases like herpes and gonorrhea that you might catch.

So the reason we say "Safer Sex", is to recognize that there is no clear dividing line between "safe" and "unsafe" acts. Rather, there is a continuum, with extremely safe things at one end, such as fantasy, and extremely unsafe things at the other, such as blood play and unprotected penis/anus sex.

It is therefore a matter for every sexual person to make an informed decision as to where along this continuum to to draw his or her personal line. In other words, before you have sex, you and your partner should decide, "We will be very safe in these areas, and not really worry too much about those areas."

If you decide to practice safer sex with cunnilingus, here's what you do: ignore the small specially-designed-for-cunnilingus dental dams. Instead, either buy the larger latex sheets available for this purpose in some larger sex stores, or get some plastic food wrap (such as Saran Wrap) and tear off a long sheet. Put some water based lube on your fingers, rub it around in your hand to warm it up, then apply it to your partner's pussy. Next, wrap the plastic wrap lengthwise between her legs. For instance, if she's on her back, put one end under her butt and wrap it up over her pussy and onto her tummy. Pussy licking can be great this way if you can get used to the sound of the plastic wrap.

How do I perform fellatio (oral sex on a man)?

Q: Do you have any tips for performing oral sex on a man?

A: With lots of enthusiasm! As with cunnilingus (eating pussy), enthusiasm and communication are the main things to focus on. Technique comes with experience, but here are some great things to know:

1. Basic Anatomy. Because penises and clitorises are developmentally the same body part, and they have approximately the same number of nerve endings. So, while women sometimes complain that men are too rough on a clitoris, some men complain that women can be too gentle on a penis. If in doubt, ask your partner what he likes and where he likes it - see below for more information about communication.

Explore the parts of your partner's genital area. In addition to the shaft of the penis, be sure you are familiar with his frenulum (the underside of the head of the penis) and the perineum (the area between the testicles and the anus). Both these areas can be very sensitive yet often overlooked. See a great diagram of a penis.

2. General Pleasures. Try wrapping one hand around the penis. This will help you maintain control in three ways. First, you can direct it exactly to the part of your tongue and mouth that you want. Second, if he starts thrusting, you can control exactly how deep it goes. Finally, you can stroke it as you suck it to double his pleasure.

When in doubt, tease your lover, giving and withholding pleasure until they beg. This also forces you to explore what gets him hot so you know what to tease him with. Three important things to remember: LICK, SUCK, and TEASE.

Also don't be repetitive, if you don't eventually start to change things, either you or him are going to get bored, and it will most likely be him first. Don't be afraid to try new things, you can either tell him or sometimes surprise is also fun. Also, even though you may be giving oral sex, doesn't mean the rest of his body has to go unnoticed, nipples, ears, they need attention to. Some men like their testicles to be rubbed, just test things, ask if you don't "want to go there."

3. Variations No matter how many techniques you learn, every person has his or her own idiosyncratic likes and dislikes. If your boyfriend is good at telling you what he likes, perfect. But if he's shy or inexperienced, play around, tease him, listen to his sounds, feel his muscles tense and relax.

4. Communication. When pleasing your partner, one of the most important things to remember is communication, and not just listening to what your partner enjoys before sex, but while in "the act." Listening to their moans, and breathing out and in, also watching their facial expressions.

If your boy's not so good at saying what he likes, tease the heck out of him, then stop and say, "Was that good?" A wicked grin on your face helps. At this point he'll have to either tell you what he likes or risk that you'll stop!

5. Safer sex. The reason we say "Safer Sex", is to recognize that there is no clear dividing line between "safe" and "unsafe" acts. Rather, there is a continuum, with extremely safe things at one end, such as fantasy, and extremely unsafe things at the other, such as unprotected penis/anus sex.

It is therefore a matter for every sexual person to make an informed decision as to where along this continuum to to draw his or her personal line. In other words, before you have sex, you and your partner should decide, "We will be very safe in these areas, and not really worry too much about those areas."

While fellatio (cock sucking) is more risky than cunnilingus (pussy licking), it is less risky than unprotected vaginal sex, and much less risky than unprotected rimming or anal sex. Things you can catch from performing fellatio include clamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV. Things you can do to reduce YOUR risks for giving head:

  • Check your partner's genital area for lesions or sores. Although someone can still carry a sexually transmitted disease (STD) and show no symptoms, your risks are much higher if there are any open sores.
  • Don't brush or floss an hour before giving oral sex. Brushing and flossing increases your risk of transmission of several types of STDs for about an hour due to gum irritation.
  • Don't take semen into your mouth. Some STDs (including HIV, the virus that causes AIDS) are present in semen of men who carry the virus.
  • Use a barrier. For instance, you can try one of the unlubricated condoms on the market. There are also mint flavored unlubricated condoms available.

6. Technique tips

How to get him hard: Squeeze the base of the dick as you suck. Be patient. Take your time. Enjoy what you are doing. Look up at him.

The basic up and down: Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breath lightly, whisper, tickle. Then, switch to sucking by creating a vacuum by pursing your lips and using them to surround his penis. Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck. Use your saliva as a lubricant. Stroke with yourhands while sucking. Twist your hand as you moveup and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation.

How to deep throat: It's key to choose the right position and to make sure you know your own limits and gag reflex. Try the "top down" position -- for instance, if your partner is on his back, have your bodies parallel but in the opposition direction, in a similar angle/position as if you were 69-ing. Also, try laying down with your neck over the side of the bed while your partner stands on the floor and penentrates your mouth.

Additional techniques: (See "anatomy" above for terms)

  • Use your hands at the base of the dick to control how the depth of thrusts.
  • When the dick is deep in your throat/mouth, some men love it if you hold your head in place for a while.
  • The tongue swirl. Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking.
  • The figure 8. A head tilt and twist while sucking and/or thrusting, visualizing drawing a figure 8 on his stomach with your nose.
  • Ball sucking for variety, and see if your partner likes it.
  • Licking his perenium.
  • Run your tongue around the glans. Then focus on the frenulum.
  • Use pressure with your tongue against the frenulum.
  • Add humor.
  • The cum delay. When he's near cumming, put a finger or two on his perinium and push in. When he is about to cum, you will feel a pulsing beneath your fingers. Push in, and he won't be able to cum. You can hold this position for maybe 10-15 seconds without making him uncomfortable. When you let go, he will spurt everywhere and be pleased for the journey.

For more information...

  • Ultimate Kiss: Sensual Guide to Oral Lovemaking by Jacqueline Franklin, published by Media Press (2001) [Buy]
    Available as both a book and a video. A good guide to oral sex. Warning: the video is cheesy and star's the members of the A-Team. Caveat Emptor. May be dated.

Premature ejaculation: Can I control when I cum?

Q: I'm a man who comes too fast. Is there anything I can do?

A: Absolutely -- there are several things you can do to slow down.

But before we get to them, we'd like to ask you to think about a couple of questions. These are, "How fast is too fast?", and "Too fast for whom?" We ask you to think about these questions because many men feel insecure about their sexual staying power, and compare themselves to the fantasy standards of porno movies where guys seem to stay hard and last for hours.

So, please think about this a bit. Is this something that you want to do because you want to increase your pleasure, or is it something you want to do to improve your partner's pleasure? If it's for your partner, have you talked to him or her about it? If not, you might find out that they're perfectly happy with things as they stand.

That said, here are a few things you can do to last longer.

  • Masturbate to orgasm an hour or two before you have sex. Many men find that it takes longer for them to come when they've already come recently.
  • Wear a condom. In addition to helping prevent unwanted pregnancy and STD transmission, condoms can reduce sensation so you can last longer.
  • The best approach is to get to know your body and to teach yourself to last longer through masturbation. Most men report that there's a point where they haven't come yet but know they're about to and can't stop it. The idea is to recognize when your body is before that point, and then to stop or slow down. In other words, before you get to the point where you know you're going to come, you want to recognize when you're close to going over the edge but you can still pull back. The goal is to masturbate and experiment to find this point.

This technique is described in detail in the book The New Male Sexuality. It really works, and exercises for practicing the technique are fun, too!

There are few techniques for temporary delay of ejaculation. These are for occasional use, and is not a substitute for learning how to control ejaculation through the ways mention above.

  • The Million Dollar Point. When you are near orgasm, put a finger or two on your perinium and push in. The perinium is the middle point between the scrotum and the anus. In many men, you can press relatively hard here, hold it, and delay orgasm temporarily.
  • The Glans Pinch. When you are near orgasm, put your thumb on top of the penis head, and index and middle finger underneath, pinch together firmly. In many men, you can pinch relatively hard here, hold it, and delay orgasm temporarily.

For more information...

This book is available at most bookstores that have halfway decent health sections:

What is BDSM?

Q: What is BDSM? I've heard it used in many different contexts. Sometimes it seems to involve sex involving power, and sometimes it's about pain. What does it mean?

A: BDSM stands for "Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism". The term is broadly used to cover any sexual activity that involves one partner being in control and one partner being controlled.

Often, BDSM activities include one of three elements:

  • Role play (Example: one partner is the "master" or "mistress", and one partner is the "slave", who does whatever the master/mistress commands.)
  • Control play (Example: one partner is blindfolded or tied up.)
  • Pain play (Example: one partner spanks the other.)

Most BDSM "scenes" will involve a combination of some of these elements.

It's important to understand that BDSM activity always involves consent. That is, both partners in a BDSM interaction actively want to participate, and both partners have the ability to stop the activity at any time -- this usually involves using a pre-arranged signal, or "safeword".

There are many theories about why people are interested in BDSM, but no one has a definite answer. People who do BDSM (both as "tops" and "bottoms", indicating power or status, not necessarily actual positions) find it enjoyable and exciting. There is no evidence that interest or participation in BDSM activities is associated with any psychological problems or that BDSM leads to abusive behavior outside the bedroom.

Beginners need to keep in mind the "Golden Rule" of SM: start slow. If you and your partner are ready to start experimenting, start out doing something simple and mild, rather than jumping right in to something like complicated bondage or intense sensation. You might want to begin with something like the bottom being tied to the bed during sex or a light spanking. See if this works for both of you before going further.

Both top and bottom need to be able to communicate their needs and limits. Negotiate a safword before every scene, so that when either of you need to stop, you have a clear, unambiguous signal. Common safewords are "Safeword" (you can"t misinterpret that one!) or "Red" for "Stop right now!", "Yellow" for "Slow down a little bit...", and "Green" for "That"s great, keep going!" never ignore a safeword, nor assume that your partner isn"t serious.

Always play within your ability. If you don't know how to do something safely, learn how before you try it out on your partner.

For more information...

  • Bondage.com
    BDSM online personals and matchmaking
  • Society of Janus
    BDSM education, support, social group, and classes (also maintains a community event calendar on their website)

Where can I find educational information about fisting?

Q: Where can I find educational (non-pornographic) information about fisting?

A: There's a great book about vaginal fisting titled A Hand in the Bush, by Deborah Addington.

As far as non-pornographic web sites, it's more difficult. You'll probably find that most sites are either geared toward gay men (anal fisting), pornographic and commercial, or both.

You'll find additional references to vaginal fisting on Sexuality.org. That is the University of Washington's human sexuality site, a good general sexuality resource.

Masturbation

How much masturbation is too much?

Q: Do I masturbate too much?

A: Probably not, is the short answer to this question. But here are two yardsticks you might use to get an idea if you're wanking too much:

Is it interfering with your life? If you're masturbating so much that you're not getting your work done, or your partner is getting mad at you because you haven't done your household chores for the last week, or any of a variety of things like that, then yes, perhaps you are masturbating too much.

Does your body hurt? Are you rubbed raw, chafed, or bleeding? If so, that's also a good clue that you're doing it too much (or perhaps too aggressively).

If none of these things is a problem, enjoy! Masturbation is fun, it relieves stress, it can make you a better lover, and very few people commit heinous crimes while masturbating.

For both men and women, masturbation is generally very healthy for you!

For more information...

The following books give good information on masturbation:

Do some people masturbate when they have partners?

Q: Why do people masturbate even if they already have a partner?

A: Masturbation is different than other kinds of sex. When you masturbate, you don't have to worry about pleasing anyone else. When you masturbate, you give yourself a different kind of stimulation than with other kinds of sex.

Some people like to masturbate (whether or not they have a partner) to help themselves understand their own body, what makes them feel good, and how to relax and enjoy their body. These can be valuable things and add good things to a couple's sex play together.

Variety can keep a couple's sex life from getting dull, so many bring masturbation into their (non-solo) sex play. You can masturbate each other, and you can watch each other masturbate. You can even combine it with other activities. For instance, the majority of women cannot reach orgasm with penis-vagina penetration alone, so some women (and their partners) enjoy a "hands-on" approach with the clitoris during sexual intercourse.

Some people worry that their partner's masturbation is a sign of trouble in the relationship or in their sex play. It's not generally a sign of trouble. It is just another type of sex play that many men and many women enjoy that's different from partnered sex. Masturbation is a normal healthy sexual activity.

Misc.

Am I normal?

Q: I've been fantasizing about _____. Am I normal? ...or... I engage in the following sex practice: ________. Is this normal?

A: We often get this question or some form of it at our phone switchboard.

Unfortunately, "normal" is a term that is so subjective as to be pretty much useless. So, let's look at a couple of other ways of phrasing the question.

If you mean, "Do other people fantasize about (or engage in) what you do?", the answer is almost assuredly yes. The odds are really good that other people have already done whatever it is you're thinking about doing -- no matter what it is you're thinking about!

If you mean, "Is this a common practice?" or "Does most of the population do this or fantasize about doing this," that's a harder question. It's hard to get reliable information about what sexual behavior, and even harder to find out about fantasies. Yes, sex researchers conduct surveys, but sex is a very personal matter and people are not completely forthcoming about their sexual behavior and fantasies. In general, a lot of fantasies and practices are more common than you might guess.

However, we at SFSI believe that worrying about what's normal or commonplace isn't useful or productive. Instead of worrying about what things other people do or don't fantasize about or engage in, we suggest concentrating on what you and/or your partner enjoy. This is especially true for fantasies. So long as the fantasy remains in your head, it's strictly your business. If it turns you on to think about it, great!

A side note: if you want to move out of the realm of fantasy and start thinking about making your fantasies real, you need to look at something very important: consent. If the sex practices you want to engage in involve other people, you need to get their consent before you engage in them. For example, let's say you've been fantasizing about having anal sex with your partner. Before trying it, first talk to your partner and find out if he or she is also interested.

For more information...

The following books discuss some of the many things that men and women fantasize about (and do):

  • %DPL-1.5.0-WARNING: No results!

  • %DPL-1.5.0-WARNING: No results!

  • %DPL-1.5.0-WARNING: No results!

  • %DPL-1.5.0-WARNING: No results!

Sex word definitions: What does ___ mean?

Q: What does ____ mean?

A: We get questions from people asking what certain sex terms mean, so here are the most frequently asked words to our phone switchboard. Some of them are words that adults find in "personal ads". Some of them are words that children hear at school. Some of them are words that people have heard of but don't know what they mean.

We do NOT claim to list all sex terms here! There are literally tens of thousands of sex-related words in English in usage. These are just the SFSI staff are asked to define most often.

BDSM. A broad category of types of sexual play, associated with power exchange. Depending on who you ask, the initials can stand for Bondage/Discipline, Sadism/Masochism, Slave/Master, Dominance/Submission. See "What is BDSM?" for more info.

bottom. Meaning varies by sexual subculture, but generally means either (1) submissive in BDSM or power exchange play, or (2) penetrated partner in anal sex.

blue balls. A rare but painful condition that can happen to males. In rare conditions, sufficient arousal for a long time without ejaculation can cause pain in the testes. Important to note that some boys try to use this as an excuse to coerce girls into sex, often lying about experiencing it. Girls can tell guys to simply masturbate to get the release they are looking for.

clitoris. A part of a woman's genital area that is usually the most sexually sensitve part of her body. See a nice diagram of a woman's genital area.

escort. Sometimes used as another word for "prostitute", although there are services providing "escorts" that do not intend to provide sex.

french. Personal ad term for "oral sex".

fisting. Putting a hand completely inside a vagina (vaginal fisting) or anus (anal fisting).

four twenty (420 / 4-20). This is NOT a sex word, but its meaning is a common question at our switchboard. It is term used in personal ads to refer to marijuana (pot) usage or tolerance, although exact meaning varies.

gay. No one agrees on an exact definition, but generally speaking it means someone who is attracted to someone of the same sex. See "Am I gay?" for more details.

golden showers. Sex play that involves urine (pee).

greek. Personal ad term for "anal sex".

gynocologist. A doctor specializing in female reproductive and urinary organs: vagina, uterus, cervix, ovaries, bladder, and other organs in that area.

hymen. A thin membrane of skin covering part (not all) of a woman's vaginal canal. A girl's or woman's hymen may or may not be there, and that isn't always because of sex. It used to be thought that the hymen was evidence of whether or not a woman had had sexual intercourse, but that is not true. It can be torn from tampons, exercise, or other non-sexual use. Not even all women are born with intact hymens! For more info, see "Does it hurt the first time I have sex?".

lesbian. No one agrees on an exact definition, but generally speaking it means a woman who is attracted to women. See "Am I gay?" for more details.

masturbation. Giving yourself sexual pleasure. Many men and women masturbate, although not everyone does it.

polyamory. People disagree on the actual definition, but it implies a sexual or romantic arrangement with 3 or more people. See "The Ethical Slut" for more information.

rimming. Using your tongue on someone else's anal area. Some people just go near the anal opening, and some people directly lick the anal opening.

scat. Sex play that involves fecal matter (poo).

sixty-nine (69). A way that two people can experience oral sex at the same time. You kind of need to picture the "6" and the "9" as people, with the little tails representing their heads. You'll notice that this means that they're upside down from each other. The idea is that they're licking or sucking each other's genitals at the same time.

SM / S&M. A broad category of types of sexual play, associated with power exchange. The initials can stand for Sadism/Masochism, or sadomasochism. Masochism is getting sexual pleasure from receiving pain. Sadism is getting pleasure from inflicting pain. See "What is BDSM?" for more info.

switch. In BDSM or power exchange play, ability to be submissive (top) or dominant (bottom) depending on the situation and the partners they are with. See "What is BDSM?" for more info.

top. Meaning varies by sexual subculture, but generally means either (1) dominant in BDSM or power exchange play, or (2) penetrating partner in anal sex.

transgender. Transgender is used as an umbrella term that includes female and male cross dressers, transvestites, drag queens or kings, female or male impersonators, pre-operative, post-operative or non-operative transsexuals, masculine females, feminine males, all persons whose perceived gender or anatomical sex may be incongruent with their gender expression, and all persons exhibiting gender characteristics and identities which are perceived to be androgynous.

urologist. A doctor specializing in male reproductive and urinary organs: penis, scrotum, testicles, prostate, bladder, and other organs in that area.

What is the age of consent?

Q: I'm interested in someone who is younger than me. What is the age of consent?

A: From a legal point of view, it varies from country to country, and in the United States even from state to state. It can even vary based the biological sex of the people involved (male-male contact versus male-female contact). There is an excellent on-line guide at AgeOfConsent.com which we sometimes use for reference. Disclaimer: we are NOT lawyers, and neither are the webmasters of that site. If you have questions about laws in your area, consult a lawyer familiar with your local laws.

From an ethical point of view, it's tougher to establish exactly what the age of consent is because it's tough to establish how to demonstrate that someone is able to give consent. SFSI has a policy of supporting all lifestyles that are consensual. And children do in fact, have their own sexuality. There's even evidence of babies masturbating in the womb.

One might therefore think that we'd support your possible sex with your friend, as long as there's no coercion. But consent isn't as simple as the absence of coercion. Consent involves making decisions based on the ability to understand the present meanings and future consequences of our actions.

Obviously, young children are incapable of doing this, and are therefore incapable of giving consent. And very often there's a power differential between adults and children. If, for instance, an adult who wants to be sexual with a child also controls the child's access to food, housing, medical care and education, then wouldn't that contaminate any consent given?

But about your particular friend? Is he/she mature enough to give consent? And if not, at what age will he/she be? Indeed, a quick look at the world reveals plenty of forty year olds who aren't terribly good at making wise personal decisions.

We as a culture have decided that at a certain point, we're just going to cut a person loose and and say, hey, you're old enough to be responsible. In the state that SFSI is (California, USA), that age is eighteen, but that could change. As a society, we pick an age, and live with an imperfect solution.

In your case, what should you do? Well, as the older person in the situation (and perhaps the only adult in the situation?), you may have added responsibility to consider and understand the long term consequences for you both. For instance, if you know that what you're considering is a felony, you'd both have to put a lot of energy into keeping it a secret. How would that change your life and her life?

More to the point, how could it affect his/her necessary growth into a healthy adult? What if you're found out? Yes, you'd end up in court, if not in prison.

If he/she is below the age of consent, the authorities are unlikely to allow your partner to define her situation and find her own coping mechanism. Many cultures are guaranteed to jump in and non-consensually define her as a victim, whether he/she feels this is so or not, and try to force him/her into the same belief system. How would this effect his/her life?

You may also consider that if someone verbally giving consent may not be considered consent to that person's family, that person's church, that person's community. And 5 years or 10 years from now, even that same person might change their mind about their own ability to give consent right now!

Then there are the things you may have considered already: what about safer sex? Birth control? The possibility of physical damage if her body's not mature enough?

It's fine to be attracted to anybody. In fact, our clothing and perfume advertisements actively promote pedophillic fantasy (although they hire platoons of Public Relations people to deny it), but as you can see from what I've said, I think we need to look at how our actions could effect our lives. Everything we do builds a world; what kind of world do we want to create?

If we wanted to create a culture in which being sexual with children was healthy, we'd have to start by creating a culture in which children's feelings are respected, supported and validated. And clearly we're not ready to do that.

It would be great to everyone take a long look at our beliefs surrounding children and sex. Unfortunately, there's far too much hysteria to have a meaningful conversation with many people on the subject right now. But for those of us who can talk about it, we can work to build an environment in which children have the love and support to define their sexuality for themselves.

As for your current situation, you will have to make the decision yourself based on your understanding of all the issues involved, all the risk involved, all the ethical issues involved, your understanding of your responsibilities, and your partner's understanding of all these issues.

For more information:

Orgasm

How do I have an orgasm?

Q: I'm a woman and have never had an orgasm. Is this normal? How do I reach orgasm?

A: Orgasms don't come easily for many women. In fact, some have never even felt a tremor of the Big O, despite numerous attempts. It's not uncommon, and the term out there for this sort of thing is "preorgasmic."

Don't fret, it's not necessarily an incurable phenomenon. Just because you never had an orgasm and feel you have done everything possible to get one, don't give up. The power to get off can often be found in your hand, your mind, a partner, or in some vibrating devices.

The basic formula is: aim for what feels good, and repeat it. Try not to stress about reaching orgasmic heights with every attempt you make. All this stress is more likely to hinder your performance than help it. Let's examine a few techniques you can try, then discuss the possibility of seeing a sex therapist.

One way to help preorgasmic women reach their first orgasm is through masturbation. Even if you have tried 100 times, do it again. Take an hour each day and explore your body and mind, find out what makes you tick. Set a place where you can be comfortable where alone or with partner, unplug the phone, relax, and focus on positive thoughts about masturbation.

Allow yourself time. So what if it takes you more than an hour? Take breaks if you want them. Experiment: stroke, pinch, pat, massage, and rub yourself. Vary your breathing, gyrate your hips, listen to sexy music, rent a lusty video, watch yourself in a mirror, or throw in regular Kegel exercises. Masturbation enables you to find what you like, and it can help you instruct your lover how to please you.

Many women experience their first orgasm with the help of vibrators . After the first orgasm, it can be easier to identify and assist others to occur. You can also experiment with dildos and g-spot toys. Also, communicating with your partner what you prefer and what you don't prefer is important. For some, giving sexual instructions may be awkward at first, but in the long run many find that it's worth it. There's no one way to reach orgasm, each woman is has her preferences.

If you've tried the things above for a while, you might consider a sex therapist or a physician. You may be better off seeing a sex therapist rather than a physician since many physicians are not trained in sexual matters. It's best to find a sex therapist through universities, medical schools, or doctors. Because there are many fraudulent sex therapists, ask questions with a potential therapist to get a sense of their experience with sexual subjects and their attitudes about sex. Also, there are many who think they know what's best, but are not qualified. Two valid organizations that print sex therapist directories are The Society for Sex Therapy and Research and The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. You can also call us at the SFSI switchboard for help selecting a therapist near you.

When you have a prospective therapist in mind, discuss his/her education and training. If s/he doesn't want to talk about it, walk away. In addition, be skeptical of therapists who state that part of your cure is to have sex with him/her. Lastly, make sure the therapist you go to is straightforward about cost, schedules and plans.

May your path to screaming orgasms be prosperous. If you haven't already, see our articles on this site for more information about how you can enjoy your own g-spot and your clitoris.

For more information...

  • Becoming Orgasmic by Julia R. Heiman, Leslie Lo Piccolo, Joseph Lopiccolo, published by Piatkus Books (1988) [Buy]
    A sexual and personal growth program for women.

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Sexual Orientation

Am I gay?

Q: A same-sex friend of mine and I got together last night, and we had sex. ...or... I started fantasizing about a same-sex friend. Does this mean I am gay?

A: No. Perhaps you're gay, perhaps you're straight, perhaps you're bisexual. Perhaps more experimentation is in order. If you had sex with a same-sex friend, it means you made an experiment, and only you can say what the results were.

One way of thinking about sexual identity that works for many people is to think of it as a scale or a spectrum: from "completely straight" at one end to "perfectly bisexual" in the middle and to "completely homosexual" at the other end. Most people don't land exactly on either end (or exactly in the middle) but rather are somewhere in between. Experiments can help you figure out where you fall on the spectrum. But, an experiment, in and of itself, doesn't automatically mean you're gay, straight, or anything else.

And it's actually more interesting than that. For one thing, sexual orientation is fluid and can vary over time. Some people have same-sex partners for part of their lives, and opposite-sex partners for other parts.

You can also think about different aspects of your sexuality: there's how you identify yourself ("I'm a straight man..."), there's what you fantasize about ("... who daydreams about other guys..."), and there's what you do ("... and who seems to sleep mostly with women, but has had occasional flings with other guys in the past.").

Remember that experimentation is a great way to become a better lover. Although this might be disturbing to you at first, you may find you've learned things that will make your sex better whether your future couplings are with the same or the opposite gender.

If you fantasize about same-sex sexual encounters, but have not acted on them, that may just be fantasy. Many people have same-sex fantasies that never happen, and don't feel the need to act on them. It's perfectly healthy to have fantasies of any type, and it's common to have same-sex fantasies and still prefer opposite-sex partners and opposite-sex relationships. Fantasy is a healthy thing that allows you to experience things in your mind.

Perhaps you are gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and there is nothing wrong with that at all!

For more information...

Do you have resources for gays, lesbians, and bisexuals?

Q: I think I'm gay/lesbian/bisexual, and I don't know who to talk to about this. Any suggestions

A: Yes, although the resources best for you will vary depending on what you want. First of all, many people -- men, women, boys, girls -- have fantasies about same sex people or even make an experiment or two with someone of the same sex. This doesn't necessarily mean you are gay (or bisexual).

For more information...'

  • Read our frequently asked question "Am I Gay?" for more information on how people use the terms "gay", "straight", "bisexual", and "lesbian".

General Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Trans/Queer/Questioning Resources

  • GLBT National Hotline
    The GLNH is an all-volunteer, nonprofit organization. They provide telephone info, email info, referrals, & peer counseling for the GLBT communities. They have over 18,000 listings for the entire US, including groups, organizations, business, bars, doctors, lawyers, therapists, etc.
  • LYRIC Queer Youth Talk Line
    A talk line for young people, 23 or under. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning. Sponsored by LYRIC.
  • SFSI GLBTQ Resource Area - Check our website for various types of resources (health, HIV/AIDS, news, shopping, etc)
  • San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) - You're on our web site! We are a free information and referral switchboard providing anonymous, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex. If you have a question about sex, we'll either answer it or refer you to someone who can. Our volunteers undergo extensive training in all aspects of human sexuality, from reproduction and birth control to safer sex practices to HIV to issues about sexual and gender identity. We may be able to answer your question by phone or refer you to someone who can! We have a database of many specialized resources, including therapists, bookstores, sex clubs, magazines, and activism resources. Learn more about calling us or emailing us.

Sexually Transmitted Conditions

What is the communicability of herpes and warts?

Q: I'm a contemplating having sex with someone who has genital warts (or someone who has genital herpes). Assuming my partner is not in the middle of a herpes outbreak, what are the risks?

A: The risks are low, but both HPV (genital warts) and herpes are transmittable even without a visible outbreak. Some people carry and transmit the virus without any symptoms at all, although transmitting the virus is very much more likely during visible outbreaks.

Using a condom can help protect you from any outbreak on his penis or her vagina or his/her anus, but if the HPV or herpes outbreak area is elsewhere in the genital region (for instance, the base of the penis or the outer vaginal lips), you are not protected.

If you are a woman, you can augment your safe sex practices with the use of the female condom (the brand name is "Reality"), which covers more of your vulva region.

You can use condoms on penises, and you can also use latex sheets as a dental dam (a barrier for oral-vaginal or oral-anal sex), or the use of plastic wrap (like Glad Wrap) as a dental dam.

Using the latex sheets or plastic wrap can augment any condom use to cover more area from skin to skin contact, etc.

The two virus-based STDs that you mention are skin to skin transferred. That could mean genital as well as oral. As for risk percentages, any outbreak that is visible is the highest risk for Herpes. HPV can be transferred with OR without a wart outbreak.

Oral sex is possible if you use an oral dam (or plastic wrap) or a condom. I know it may not sound sexy, but it can be if you give it a try. Note that there are dry, flavored condom for oral sex, like the brand "Kiss of Mint".

Can you tell me about visible sores on genitalia or other body parts?

Q: I've got a sore on my penis/vagina/anus/wherever. Can you tell me what it is?

A: It's tempting to ask us these sorts of medical questions, for many different reasons. Some doctors can be very judgmental about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Or, you might be too embarrassed to go to your family doctor about this sort of problem. And, some doctors just aren't as knowledgeable as they could be about STDs.

Unfortunately, though, this isn't something we can help you with directly. First, most of us aren't doctors, and thus aren't qualified to give medical advice. But more importantly, even if we were doctors, we wouldn't be able to give you an accurate diagnosis over the phone or email or web site.

Often the best place for help is an STD or birth control clinic operated by your city or county's Department of Public Health. Not only is the staff less likely to be judgmental about STDs, they are more likely to have experience treating a wide variety of STDs. You can call us for clinic referrals in the San Francisco Bay Area, or look in your phone book if you live outside our area.

For more information...

What are AIDS and HIV?

Q:What should I know about AIDS and HIV?

A: Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) is an immune system disease caused by a virus called the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). The virus infects certain cells (called T-cells) in the immune system which help the body fight off infections.

When the immune system is sufficiently damaged, the body is unable to fight off even minor infections, and the infected person becomes sick and may eventually die from such infections.

People who have been infected with HIV are called "HIV-positive", because antibodies to the HIV virus were detected in their blood.

How you become infected

HIV is spread through the exchange of body fluids. Blood and semen are the most infectious fluids. In order to become infected, you need to get an infected person's body fuids onto a mucous membrane or directly into your bloodstream (unbroken skin is an effective barrier against infection, so getting body fluids on your skin is generally not considered a significant risk). Almost all infections can be traced to sexual contact, sharing needles, or blood transfusions.

HIV cannot be spread through casual contact -- you can't get it from a toilet seat, you can't get it from touching an infected person, you can't get it from sharing food with or drinking from the same glass as an infected person.

High-risk versus low-risk activities

The activities that put you at the highest risk for HIV infection are unprotected intercourse (having anal or vaginal intercourse without a condom) and sharing needles.

Oral sex is considered a much lower-risk activity, although there is some debate over exactly how low-risk it is. Most clinicians agree that very few cases of HIV infection can be traced to oral sex.

Sexual activity that does not involve any contact between another person's body fluids and your mucous membranes are considered to be basically risk-free. Examples are mutual masturbation (assuming you don't have any cuts on your hands), massage, touching, stroking, and phone sex.

It's important to remember that HIV is a virus, and that the virus doesn't just appear in people's bodies spontaneously. It has to come from somewhere. If you have sex with a partner who is not infected, you are at no risk at all of HIV transmission, no matter what kind of sex it is.

How can I tell if I am infected with HIV?

If you have had a high-risk encounter with someone you think might be infected, you can get a simple test from your doctor or a local health clinic. The clinician will take a sample of your blood or your saliva, and you will get your results within a few days to a week.

If you go to a local clinic, you may be able to get HIV tests that are free and anonymous/confidential. Anonymous means they don't know who you really are. Confidential means they know who you are and they agree not to tell anyone.

If you are looking for referrals for HIV tests in your area, feel free to call us toll-free.

Is there a cure?

There is no cure at this time, in the sense that once you are infected, you will always have the virus in your body. On the other hand, there are extremely effective treatments available, which can lower the amount of virus in your system and stop the damage to your immune system.

How to avoid becoming HIV-positive

The best way to avoid becoming infected is never to exchange any body fluids with an infected person.

If you are not absolutely sure that your partner is uninfected, use a latex or polyurethane condom for intercourse.

For more information...

  • AVERT's AIDS & HIV Education and Research Trust
    This UK-based web site offers some of the best, most up-to-date, most comprehensible and most non-judgmental information about HIV/AIDS for non-specialists and laypersons.
  • The Body
    Comprehensive HIV/AIDS information resource. Click on their "site map" for a long list of available pages on AIDS and HIV topics and frequently asked questions.
  • UCSF HIV InSite
    UCSF Medical School site on HIV current events in treatment, policy, and prevention
  • UCSF Center for AIDS Prevention Studies
    Research and prevention site based at UCSF in San Francisco.
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